Rediscovering my natural self

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As I was looking back on the last few years, I felt like I spent them on similar focus areas. My end-of-year reviews usually simplify it down to a status and a brief explanation. However, whether the goal was accomplished or not, there are a lot of learnings along the journey. While my reviews focus more on learnings involving the goals themselves, I want to separately document other types of learnings, about myself and life in general. I will start with this blog about rediscovering my most natural self.

l don’t find it easy or common to form connections quickly, because it takes me a lot of courage and brain power to talk to people I don’t know (or barely know). Over the years, I often blamed my introversion, and perhaps also my unique background and set of interests, for the difficulty in making deep, lasting connections.

Having spent the past 15 years in the U.S., where extroverted behaviors tend to be recognized and associated with success, I have tried to change myself because I felt that was what I had to become to be successful and supposedly “happy.” I learned to adapt in different settings to be more sociable, to small talk if needed, and to look as natural as possible doing all of it. If that sounds exhausting….it was. I just didn’t know it.

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Over the pandemic, I find out by realizing how much energy I gained from not doing it all the time. When everyone was forced to work remotely, I found myself gradually returning to my natural state. The new work mode gave me flexibility to be my quiet self without damaging my “social image.” In an online meeting or event, I could subtly stay more behind-the-scene by turning off the camera or staying quieter without bringing much attention to myself.

There were no hallways where I awkwardly ran into people I weren't close to, and my brain overheated from trying to decide whether to just smile or to pause for a chat as the distance closed between us with each step. Of course, I missed running into close coworkers and sometimes I am in a socializing mode in general. But I would much prefer spending quality time instead of small talking with those important people in my life. On most days, the absence of small talk really just feels like a massive weight taken off of me as an introvert. The anxiety is replaced with more brain space and energy I can give to other areas in my job or my life.

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All this to say… I really got to enjoy myself during the pandemic…(for as long as I did not get sick of course). And I definitely noticed that staying home did not hit me as hard as some of my extroverted friends. Some of them asked me several times whether I was going crazy and I had to reassure them I was doing more than fine.

One of the silver linings of the pandemic for me was definitely finding my natural self again and knowing to be selective with where I use my energy. Without those years, I wouldn’t have realized how much energy it cost to keep up this aspect of my daily life. Of course, I don’t intend to lock myself up at home as we were forced to do during the pandemic, but through those years I learned to listen to my own body and choose how I spend my time depending on my energy level.

This might sound like a small realization but to me it was a big one, as I had been grinding the old way for years thinking it was the only way to survive in the societal norms and excel in my career. Once I started consciously choosing what I’m comfortable with in the moment instead of automatically forcing myself to be a certain way, I feel so much more at peace and in control. I also became more aware of my mental wellbeing in a given moment.

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Coming to Japan has also allowed me to do this more, interestingly, perhaps because there are more introverts here. Quiet personalities and moderate silences in conversations are more common here. I think in some way this environment has made it easier for me to embrace my natural self. Sometimes I even feel like one of the louder ones. And I have actually been called sociable or extroverted here, which feels very new and very…odd.

I feel very optimistic and hopeful to feel I have regained parts of myself in the past few years. While I didn’t choose Japan for this reason, it’s been a nice added benefit to see signs that this place fits my personality quite well. I look forward to discovering more about myself and embracing what I find. Bit by bit. In my own pace.